I don’t know about you but for me, whenever I can, I try learning something new every day; at least something that edifies me. As you know, one of the places you can get unrestricted information is obviously the internet, and depending on how knowledgeable (or not) you are, you will be able to decide what is true and what is not from what you find on the internet. Like someone said, not everything you read is true, and just because something is on the net does not mean it is true; there are lots of loonies and lonely people who will say and do anything to get attention out there I tell you. So learn to sift any information you get before you consume it. Anyway, as usual, I digress.

So, on Friday 15th March I happened to be home unwell, and though I had taken enough pain-killers to help control the massive migraine I was having, I could not sleep. Well, though I know I have a problem sleeping during the day, I thought the meds I had taken would help me but I guess my body and brain had a mind of their own. So since I couldn’t do much, I decided to have a conversation with Google like I often do. For some reason, on this day I decided to ask her (I assume Google is a she, since women know everything…. Ahem!) how many special days there are in the world. Why such a query? Well, blame it on the headache I was having.

The responses I got were unbelievable! Actually, Google gave me pages and pages of information I had not expected to see. My problem now was to sift the feedback. After going through several of those links provided by Google, I settled for this one: http://www.un.org/en/events/observances/days. And why did I do this? Because I believe UN is a very credible organization with high standards of operation hence they cannot allow vague or wrong information on their website. If anyone thinks otherwise, please feel free to correct me.

Looking at the list of Special/important days, if each was to be made a holiday then clearly, we would spend half our time holidaying and not working. Thankfully, someone had the common sense not to make them all holidays. Anyway, as I was going through the list, I was reminded of the recently commemorated International Women’s Day (IWD), which was celebrated on the 8th of March, 2013 and whose theme (according to the UN) was A promise is a promise: Time for action to end violence against women”.

What a timely message/theme this was. Truth be told, even though we are no longer in the 19th Century, violence against women is more rampant now than it ever was before. How now, you may ask. Well, whereas previously it was known as violence because it was physically inflicted on women by beating them literally, the men have upped their game and are now subjecting women to less physical violence. In fact, let's just say men have “moved with the times” from physical violence to emotional violence. “What do you mean Liz,” I can almost hear you ask. Well, read on.

Statistics have shown in the recent past that there is a massive influx of mobile phone usage in this part of the world, meaning almost every person has a mobile phone, even if it is the oldest Nokia, 3310 (do they still manufacture those?) That said, it means people are more readily accessible and available at the touch of a button, than they were, say two decades ago. Worse still, the easy accessibility of smart phones/hand-held gadgets, not forgetting readily available internet, whether in the office or on mobile has not made things any easier. And to put the icing on the cake, the beast called social media has become heavily embraced in society. As a result, all these things put together have acted as a catalyst for the breeding of some very many unbecoming behaviors from both men and women. Before you misunderstand me let me say this: I do not in any way disapprove of social media. In fact, I am one of its greatest users; what I HATE (with a passion) is what some people use it for. Which brings me to today's article.

Let’s take a very simple and recent example; how many of you men reading this article today actually remembered to wish the women in your life (be it wives/girlfriends/fiancées/mothers/sisters) a happy IWD on the 8th of March 2013? And of those who did not, how many of you went out on Social Media on the same day and actually wished all your virtual female friends a happy IWD, though you did not even remember bother to do the same to your significant other?

Let’s look at another angle… how many of you have the time to compliment your female workmates or friends on how beautiful and sexy they look, when your wife has never even heard those words from your lips, not even by accident? And how many of you actually take the courteous route to open office/car doors for “other” women, while you could care less for your wife or significant other when it comes to similar treatment? In fact, she would be lucky if you remember to disable the automatic car lock door for her ....

What I am trying to bring out is this: today’s men use more sophisticated ways of inflicting violence on women than they were during my grandpa’s days. They use emotional violence. They use what they know will hurt women most (emotionally) like fooling around openly with other women, adopting don't care attitude whenever it's convenient for them and simply shutting them out of their lives. In fact, they have taken this a notch higher by even ignoring their duties in the bedroom. I don’t know whether you got a chance to watch Uganda news on the 8th of March this year, but there was a group of women activitists who were complaining about their men not taking care of business in the bedroom. Yes, for your information, for any healthy and active woman, lack of sex is very frustrating, unless she has made a decision to abstain. What men don’t know (or maybe they do that’s why they do this) is that when you show disinterest in your significant other sexually, the first reaction a woman has is that there’s something wrong with her, or you are probably getting it elsewhere, thus making this a torturous affair for her. A few will go out and seek a second opinion.

As a man, you may never curse or physically abuse your wife, but that does not mean that you are not a cruel husband/partner. For instance, every time you are stingy and tight with money, criticizing every penny she spends, that is a form of cruelty, especially if she did not misuse it. Every time you do not give her your full attention or you are abrupt when she speaks to you or asks for your help, that is cruelty. Every time she seeks to draw closer to you but you brush her off and instead opt to occupy your time with your gadgets and virtual “friends”, that is cruelty. Every time she tries to find out how your day was and you give her short uninvolved responses, that indirectly send the message, “it’s none of your business”, that is cruelty.

If you are this kind of a man, take some time to genuinely look inside you and see yourself for who you really are; you will be surprised to realize that you are a man who is very generous with his time, attention, and money with anyone who needs you – except for your wife/partner! Seeking honor and recognition from outside your marriage/relationship (sometimes even from strangers like your virtual “friends”) while simultaneously ignoring your wife's needs is indeed cruelty, and by extension, emotional violence.

People, both men and women, let us remember that a relationship is for two. One cannot make it without the total commitment and involvement of the other. It it's communication you lack, please find ways of communicating with each other; find ways of expressing your inner most thoughts and desires, but above all, be tolerant of each other and be very aware of what ignorance, lack of appreciation and taking each other for granted can do to your relationship, but mostly to the affected party.

My wish for all of us is that there may be nil violence and more love in our hearts, homes and by extension the world.

Peace, love and harmony to you all.

PS: Article published in Tanzania's Guardian on Sunday on the 17th of March, 2013, under my weekly column "Thoughts in Words"