It’s that time of the year when enough weddings happen. If you are in Dar Es Salaam, you can be guaranteed that between now and February next year you will be coming across those noisy “Tarumbeta Bands” doing what they do best – noise pollution. Actually I believe it’s not just in Dar Es Saalam you’ll find these guys but all over Tanzania. If you are a visitor in Tanzania, you’ll be forgiven for thinking its World Cup in South Africa all over again owing to the deafening and sometimes discordant sounds. It’s just how a majority of us do things here. And who came up with that idea anyway? I’m not saying it’s bad but as the saying goes, too much of anything is poisonous. Trust me you don’t want to meet these guys on the roads when you are suffering a migraine or nursing a hangover. You can go mad.

Anyway, speaking of weddings have you noticed how much things have changed since the 80s or even the 90s? The way things used to be done then is very different from how things are being done now. For instance, I remember women used to suffer in silence while wearing those long heels just because they wanted to look elegant during their wedding. In the end, by the time it was time to throw the bouquet, the bride would be so tired, frustrated and almost in tears, thanks to her very swollen feet. Fast forward to today where you can now wear rubber shoes, flat shoes or even sandals, and no one will raise eyebrows at you. It’s all about your comfortability and not about what you think people are thinking.... 

Another difference is the unwritten rule that every woman had to wear a white wedding gown, well, at least on this side of the world anyway. Unlike today where a woman can decide to dress in traditional attire and still go through a modern wedding, those days it was considered taboo to wear anything else other than what was written in the "wedding rule-book". I remember attending a wedding where the bride was wearing a cream wedding gown. All I kept hearing women around saying was stuff like “she must be pregnant” or “I guess she is not a virgin”, etc. Of course those days hearing words like virgin and sex being mentioned made your ears hot, unlike nowadays where especially the latter, hearing conversations bordering around this topic is the norm.

Then there is the issue of location. In those days, the only place weddings were held was in church. Garden weddings were an unknown factor then but nowadays, they seem to be the in thing. I also remember that weddings were only held on Saturdays, at least this is true of where I come from, but today, as long as you can get a (wo)man of the cloth even if its on a Monday, no one will be shocked at your choice of day. Then there is the mode of transport. Last week I watched a wedding show that showed the bride do things in reverse order. Instead of the cars that are normally in the bridal party coming into the church compound with the bride in one, in this case, the cars came to wait for her in church. Why? Because the lady of the day arrived in a helicopter. How about that for style and creativity, not forgetting money!

Of course these are just a few examples of how far wedding ceremonies have come and as days go by, and as people continue being more creative, you can rest assured you will see a lot more changes. Depending on which part of the continent you are in, and how much money is readily available there, I can guarantee you there will be more reason to talk about weddings. But while you and all the other invitees are busy talking about how great the wedding was, does anyone remember to talk about the marriage that ensues after the wedding? Does anyone remember to find out how the couple is doing after they get married?

Of course this is one of those topics that many people steer away from but today I want to touch on it. I remember someone asking a question about these extravagant weddings we see. His question was “these guys making noise on the roads just because they have wedded today, will they have the same convoy of cars and noise when they will be divorcing?” Food for thought, isn’t it?

The truth is, no one enters into a marriage fully knowledgeable of how to handle this institution. Most of us if not all of us have expectations that if not squarely met can cause disappointment and if that disappointment is not managed well, then this could very sadly cause irreparable damage thus leading to divorce. For instance, for many couples, romance gradually begins to diminish until eventually it becomes a memory. Those special things that the couple used to do for each other eventually stop and before long, things that used to bring pleasure to the couple become a source of constant pressure. I guess it is safe to say that it is at this point that the one half of the couple that feels pressured decides to look for an outlet, and as we know, extramarital relationships are the easiest escape.

Not a week goes by before I get to hear about someone whose marriage journey has ended abruptly, not because it was ended by death like God intended for it to be, but because most people, myself included, jump into marriage with suitcases full of misconceptions and bad theology, entirely unaware of the unique beauty and paradoxical intentions of marriage. Wouldn’t life be different if we spent more time preparing for marriage than we do for weddings? If only we spent more time taking care of every single marriage detail like we do for weddings, I believe there would be less broken marriages in the whole world. If people would spend on their marriages the same amount of money and time they spend preparing their weddings, I believe the number of disgruntled spouses would lessen, thus automatically reducing the number of broken marriages.

I know not all of you reading this article today are married, but someday when the time is right and you meet the one person who confuses you into trading your freedom for the institution of marriage and hence becoming "institutionalized", the words I am about to share with you will come in handy. First you need to remember that “marriage is not about living happily ever after". That only happens in fairy tales and telenovas. Although happiness is often a very real byproduct of a healthy relationship, marriage has a far more significant purpose in sight. It is designed to pull dysfunction to the surface of our lives, set it on fire and help us grow. To make this happen, the two people in the marriage have to be ready and willing to walk through those rough patches caused by the dysfunction.

Secondly, the more you give to your marriage, the more it gives back to you. Of course, marriage requires sacrifice, and sometimes it will feel as if it takes and takes. However, when we return marriage to its rightful place in our priorities, it can quickly turn from something we have to maintain and sacrifice for into the greatest asset to every other layer of our lives. Please note, I said marriage, not wedding.

Thirdly, you need to realize that marriage in itself has the power to change the world. John Medina, a Christian biologist, after years of biological research and several books on parenting conclusions, when asked what his answer to the question, “What is the most important thing a man can do as a father”? His response was simple: “Go home and love your wife”. You know why? Because if one makes his wife priority number one, all other areas of life benefit.

As I come to the end of today’s article I have one request to make, especially to those who are married. The next time you find yourself dreaming about living significantly or succeeding in your career or being a better parent than yours were to you, do the world a favor: Go home and love your wife. Go home and love your husband.

Wishing you love and harmony in your relationships today and always.

PS: Article published in Tanzania's Guardian on Sunday on the 20th October, 2013, under my weekly column "Thoughts in Words"